Soul Mate Stuff
Soul Mate Stuff 3/18/06
I hear the term “soul mate” used all the time, especially in the marriage counseling I do, where one or the other usually says, “Well, he/she just isn’t my soul mate anymore.” I remind my clients that there was a study a few years back that worked with college students and their definition of “soul mate.” Turns out when push came to shove “soul mate” really meant someone just like me. For a psycho-therapist that translates into “immature” ability to relate to others who are different.
Oh sure, we would probably all get along best with someone just like us, but wouldn’t it be boring??? We would never have to compromise, or adjust, or look at the world through different lenses. And what about the teamwork aspect of marriage, that one of you does some of the duties best, and the other fills in the blank spots?
I think the term “soul mate” still has value. But it must be thought of not as agreeing on everything, but agreeing to examine everything. Not as liking to do all the same things, but as liking to learn about all the things the other loves to do, and vice versa.
My husband Ed is indeed my soul mate, but we are very different. I have learned about sports through him. He has learned about music and poetry through me. We have learned about nature and the environment together. But I have other soul mates as well, mostly my women friends, who support me in my questioning. They are different from me, but we allow one another to search for answers to questions of culture and religion.
This last week I did a review of Sue Monk Kidd’s books at the local library. Even though I have never met her, I consider her to be a soul mate, a fellow wanderer on the path of questioning where we women belong in this complex world. She dares to lift up the concept of the Feminine Divine. She dares to tell women to shed their false selves (the ones programmed by a male society.) I presented the program at the library with fear and trepidation, knowing that Tulsa is a very religious and traditional town. But the ladies present did not hesitate to listen. They know about our world, and how much of themselves they have lost by following other’s directions.
Today is the third anniversary of the beginning of the Iraq War. My soul mate husband and I were out protesting about that war before it happened. He and I have learned not to follow other’s directions blindly. We are followers of Jesus, who abhored violence. Why do “we” always end up listening to our fear, instead of our love? Listening to our aggresive self, rather than our peaceful self? Is it because generations have told us that peace and love are women’s sentiments and are soft, and will only get us killed? Well, we need to say loud and clear: Aggression gets us killed. Love gets us healed. Aggression and violence are not sustainable. Love is. Love is infinitely stronger.